Well, my day has finally come! I'm writing this entry on my new IBM ThinkPad R40 notebook computer, which I've named Ajax. He's a boy, and a big boy at that. His 15" screen is larger than my old CRT monitor. So far everything about it is pretty great, save the internal speakers. But I was expecting that, so I picked up a pair with a subwoofer long ago.

So far I've just been working on getting all my old stuff transferred from my old computer (which was fairly fast and easy) and installing software I'm used to having. Oh, and I burned my first CD tonight. All Sophie Ellis Bextor. And it was so fast - about 5 minutes total.

Tonight I was going to go to Empress Walk, where there is a Staples and a Loblaws. I was also going to buy my transit passes for June. But time started going by so fast, and I didn't want to leave... I'm a bit addicted to this new computer. I was planning on getting groceries, a compressed air duster to clean out my old computer before I send it to my sister, and a long networking cable. I could have been writing this from my bed if I'd done that. Ah well, the time will come. I'm tempted to get wireless because my computer has built in antennas and a spot for an internal wireless card, but that would run me a few hundred dollars. So for now I'll go without. Besides, I'll probably be using it at my desk most of the time anyways.

I've been in a bit of a daze since the weekend though, with all the crazy stuff that happened, and the stress of not knowing what to do at work, not to mention not being able to concentrate because I was wondering when my computer would come. But now work is going quite well. I'm actually starting to design some GUI stuff, and that is much more fun than just studying. We were going to set up a meeting for me to speak with someone at an IBM location in California (we're working on this project with them) for Thursday, but we've postponed that until next week, because I think I'll have some substantial progress to show them and more useful questions to ask at that point.

I don't really have too many plans for the weekend yet. I imagine I'll still be setting up my new computer and getting my old one ready to send to my sister. A friend of mine wants me to go to a gay strip club tomorrow night. I guess I'll go, because you really need to experience something like that at least once in your life! I got a few DVD rentals from Blockbuster awhile back by redeeming some of my PC Points, so I'll probably want to rent one to watch on Ajax at some point over the weekend. And who knows... I might actually work on getting the rest of my site up and runnning.

Other than that, I guess it's business as usual. Not much news to report. Sorry if I'm a bit incoherent, by the way. I've been a bit sleep deprived lately. I'm sure you can imagine why. Time passes by so fast when I'm using Ajax, it's insane.

There has been a lot of debate in the online journal community of my friends lately about censorship. Many are becoming uncomfortable with a completely public journal and censor themselves to the point that they have nothing interesting left to say. Well, for today at least, I'm going to try to forget that this is a public journal. Why shouldn't I be able to say whatever I want?

Well, last time I alluded to the possibility of turmoil in my life in the near future. As anyone who is reading this probably knows, Jeff and I broke up on Monday, May 12. It was my doing and it was probably mostly my fault, too. The past two weeks have probably been the most difficult I've ever had.

On the first two nights it was regret. I went through all of the issues I'd been having with our relationship, and came up with solutions for all of them, or alternate ways of looking at things. But I felt like this wasn't new knowledge - there had to have been something underneath it all that made me see things in this light. Plus it was too soon to ask Jeff if he'd take me back. I realized it would take time to be able to see things clearly. They usually say it takes half the length of the relationship to get over the other person when it ends.

So we've been trying to redefine our relationship as a friendship. It has gone reasonably well, but it is also difficult. A week afterwards, we hung out for the first time and watched QAF. The casualness of it all was very strange. I remember looking forward to leaving, just so I could hug Jeff goodbye. I miss that.

Meanwhile of course I had been somewhat actively trying to fill the void in my life. I have a lot of good friends helping me through all of this, but it's strange hearing the range of opinions they have, with some saying to go out and be single and whore it up, and others saying to take it slow because it's going to take a long time before I'm ready for anything again. Fortunately, I think, I haven't met anyone who really interests me, because I think the latter advice is probably the wisest. However, I did go out for coffee with one guy who seemed really interested in me. We had talked on the phone a few times before, and I wasn't sure that I wanted to meet him. Because he sounded downright odd. Strange. Creepy. But I was all about giving people second chances. Coffee confirmed my thoughts, but I was still "too nice" to just pass him off after a half hour with him or so. So I went to a movie with him, and it was easy to forget his personality in an environment where you don't typically talk much. There was some handholding and kissing and stuff like that, but after the movie I said I thought we should call it a night. I think that was the dumbest thing I've ever done. (The kissing, not the calling it a night.) But wait, it gets dumber.

Jeff invited me over to go out to a bar with him and a couple friends on Saturday night. I knew that I probably wouldn't like the bar, and I felt like it might be better if we did something that we'd both enjoy, in the interest of building our friendship. But I really wanted to hang out with him, and I couldn't ask the others to change their plans. So we started by having fajitas for dinner, Jeff's specialty. That was nice. However, after that came the awkward period between dinner and going out. Just me and him. Nothing to do really. Eventually I started helping him with some stuff on his computer, which took quite awhile. And then we watched a rerun of the Buffy finale on YTV. This was fine, although I kept having the urge to slide over on the couch and cuddle up with him.

Eventually it was going out time. I was quite intoxicated by this time. I was still in the mindset, however, that I wasn't going to enjoy this place. It didn't help that there was barely anyone there. I started thinking that I was soon going to tell the others I was leaving, but before I even did, Jeff suggested that I didn't look like I was having fun and that he would leave with me if I wanted. Well, I didn't want him to ditch his friends. And I figured it would be weird going back to his place with him. I'd have to sleep on the futon in the living room, and inevitable I would be tempted to go to his room and crawl into bed with him. So I said that I'd just go to Buddies to dance or go home, and then I left.

Why couldn't I just have given this place a bit more of a chance? I might have been there for 10 minutes it seemed, if even. Going to Buddies or going home was not what I did, however. I called up the aformentioned guy I'd had coffee and seen a movie with. I wanted someone to hold on to. So he was available, came to meet me, and then we headed to his place. As soon as I started talking with him, I remembered the things I didn't like about him, but that didn't make me turn around. Long story short, we fooled around for awhile, then were going to go to sleep, but while he was taking out his contacts I decided I couldn't handle it. I got dressed and told him something just didn't feel right. I didn't really feel anything for the guy. He was just a cheap substitute for what I really wanted.

So I started walking, jogging, running home. Trying to get as far away from that place as possible. I finally caught a street car. Then I had to take the Yonge bus up to Finch and then the Finch bus the rest of the way home. It was around 4:30 am when I got home, I think.

Anyways, that's just one thing I'm trying to figure out right now. In addition, work is really difficult right now. We don't really have clear instructions on what we're to do. And I'm always so distracted that I can't really concentrate on my work. The past few days I was distracted trying to get my ThinkPad order sorted out. There was a billing issue that needed to be addressed. Now it looks like I should get it on Monday. Finally!

Well, that's all I have for now. I don't feel like talking about it at all right now, although writing it down seems to have helped. I have a few things to do today, including groceries and some reading for work, so I should get to them.

First of all, I'd like to apologize for calling you all stupid and saying that Noella had eaten a page that she clearly hadn't. But most of all I apologize for not updating this page in so long! I know it can be frustrating when a page you check often is never updated. But that hasn't happened to me lately, so I guess I can't really relate. Heh. I usually check www.cbc.ca and www.pei.cbc.ca on a regular basis, and that's about it.

Anyhoo, over a month since I updated this time, huh? The past month has been pretty strange for me. I've been quite depressed and apathetic. I mean, most people don't usually notice because I tend to have on my happy-go-lucky exterior. But I think my personal relationships with a lot of people have suffered. Today for awhile at least I had hope that tomorrow would be a brand new day, so to speak. See, I have the end of this paper I've been working on in sight. It's only a four page topic proposal that I have to do for my co-op supervisor, but it was still enough to get under my skin, just because I haven't had any motivation to do anything in so long. I blame work. When you have nothing to do and you sit around all day just surfing the web and whatnot, it becomes habit to just sit and do nothing.

So I will be finishing this little paper tonight, no matter how late I have to stay up to do so. But I still feel like there's going to be a lot of turmoil in my life over the next few months. You really can't just decide that tomorrow everything is going to change for the best. It takes time.

Let's see. Updates. Well, I went home for a little visit over Easter Weekend since last time I wrote. It was very nice. The more I think about it, I can't wait to go back to PEI. I like my simple little life there, where I don't feel isolated from everyone. If I want to hang out with someone, they are probably within walking distance, or if I just go out for a walk, I'm likely to see someone I know. My sisters are also near, which is nice.

We didn't end up going dancing with Mo that time. I was a bit sick at the time, and I didn't feel like going out. Of course I'm kicking myself now, because it was a very rare opportunity to go dancing, and I don't really remember how much I was opposed to going out at the time. We ended up watching Waking Life instead, an experimental movie about dreams and stuff. Well, actually Jeff and Mo watched it. I thought it sucked and slept through most of it. I just couldn't keep my eyes open. Mo is gone back to Waterloo now, but hopefully I can go there or he can come here sometime to visit.

On Friday I got a strong desire to dye my hair a funky colour again over the weekend. That didn't happen though, and maybe the urge has passed. I'm not sure if I'd have gone blue again, or tried something new, like red, orange, or purple. I guess I thought it would jumpstart me or something. But now I just don't feel like doing it. Plus it would cost quite a bit, and I already spent a lot of money this weekend - $100 just on random things. Like food, booze, and getting into Lee's Palace.

Well, you know how it is... if I don't want to be up all night, I better work on that report again. I have the content all written, but it needs serious revision now. I will also wash dishes and hit you doggy-style, a la Smoove B, eh Luke?

And who knows... maybe if my life changes directions tomorrow I'll start updating this site more often.