Before I eat an apple, I always recite the alphabet as I twist off the stem, one letter per twist. Perhaps you remember playing this game as a child — when the stem finally detaches, the corresponding letter is supposed to be the first initial of the person you are going to marry. Of course, it's highly biased toward letters in the middle of the alphabet, but childhood games don't have to make sense.
Lately I've been getting E a lot. I found this strange at first, because I didn't think I knew any boys whose first names started with E. Obviously I didn't think about this very thoroughly, as I have friends named Erik and Eric, and a gay landlord named Ed. I have also been flirting with an E-boy (who also happens to be an e-boy — I haven't met him in real life yet). I'm not going to say his name here. He may be reading this for one thing, and oddly enough, I suspect you may not believe that the name I know him by is his real one.
Anyways, this whole E-business is not the point of this post. The point is that I really want a boyfriend — badly. So just like I did when I was young and wanted a TV in my room, I'm going to make a list of reasons why I should have one. (In the first case, I think reasons 6 thru 10 were just "Because I really, really want one," so for this list, I'll just stop when I run out of reasons, rather than committing to ten.)
- I'm lonely.
I need someone to hang out with and to share my innermost thoughts with. Now don't get me wrong — I have a lot of really great friends who I can tell just about anything. But there aren’t many I can just hang out with (and sometimes I feel like a burden on the few that I can just hang out with, unless I'm sure they're benefiting from the time together too). Normally there has to be some sort of event, which is most often going out to drink and dance, or very rarely going to or renting a movie. Of course geography is an issue here — you can't just drop by your friend's place for a visit when they live a half-hour transit ride away. When this person is your boyfriend, you make a bigger effort. (Remember, you're going to get laid.) This is one area where Charlottetown beats Toronto hands down. Most likely you're within a half-hour walk of all your friends, or one of you has a car.
- I need a regular sex life.
Studies have proven that regular sexual activity is good for you. I'm too lazy to look them up and reference them here, but take my word for it. I'm 24. I want to be in a steady relationship before my twenty-something power-house libido becomes a distant memory. Also, when I haven't had sex in a month or two, I'm like Toucan Sam, except it's not my nose I'm following. I'm more likely to do silly things like sleep with someone right after meeting them. In particularly bad cases, I may even have a hunch that the guy is sketchy, but I'll give him a chance to redeem himself with amazing sex. (Aside — amazing-sex redemptions to-date: zero)
- I need someone to get my ass out of bed in the morning.
I've been struggling with motivation lately, and probably the worst way this struggle manifests itself is in my inability to get out of bed and face the world in the mornings. A typical morning goes like this. My alarm radio comes on at 9 am. I feel alert, but not quite ready to get up, so I press snooze a few times. Eventually this causes grogginess, and I get into a weird delirious state where I have these nonsense dreams. They usually relate to some task that I need to do in real life, but the details of them only make sense in this transitional phase between sleeping and being awake. I look at the clock frequently during this time. Usually I'll notice a time like 9:51 am, for example. "That's exactly one 9-minute snooze away from 10 am," I'll think and decide to get up then. Of course, at 10 am I'll allow myself "just one more" snooze.
Another thing I do sometimes is notice the time on the clock and realize that I just pressed snooze 2 or 3 minutes ago. I think to myself, "I'm going to have to press snooze again in 6 or 7 minutes, so I might as well press it now and get a full 9 minutes of rest." And I do.
Eventually I feel ready to get up, but then there is another problem. The fresh "morning" air is cool, and I'll be cold if I get out from under the covers in just my underwear. Fortunately, I have conveniently placed pyjamas near my bed the night before, but they are also too cool to just throw on. I ponder a solution to the dilemma, and sooner or (more likely) later, I slip on the pyjamas but get back under the covers to warm them up. I get up soon after this, sometime between 11 am and 1 pm. The day feels almost over.
There are a few things that will get me up in the morning, with varying degrees of success. A breakfast date with a friend or my roommate, Luke, always works. In fact, I may even be up earlier than necessary. (Breakfast is my favourite meal.) Another tactic I sometimes use is to pick out my outfit for the next day, and have it laid out next to my bed so that I'm ready to jump into the shower in the morning. This has about a 30% chance of working. Awhile back, I tried putting a little sign on top of my alarm clock. It featured an angry face saying something like "GET OUT OF BED, KEVIN!" It worked for a day or two but quickly lost effectiveness. I also asked Luke once to wake me up. He didn't. I'm not sure if he simply forgot, or if he just didn't feel comfortable doing it. I know it can be hard to disturb someone when they're sleeping.
I think if I were sharing a bed with my boyfriend, I'd have an easier time getting up in the morning. Surely he would have to get up, because any boyfriend of mine is going to be a successful person who has some sort of responsibilities to attend to each day. And so I would get up with him, to share breakfast and a perhaps a shower, and see him off for the day. You may be thinking that this would require my boyfriend to be of the live-in variety, but this is not the case. You see, keeping my twenty-something power-house libido in check would require at least 2 or 3 sleepovers per week, in addition to weekends.
- I need motivation to work at my research diligently.
Having a boyfriend would require me to free up my evenings and weekends by treating school as a full-time job. If I put in a few good hours of work each day, I'll be able to enjoy those times guilt-free. But if there's no particular reason to keep those times open, I can plan to use them for school work, and that rarely goes as planned.
- I need someone to liberate my adventurous side.
I do have an adventurous side, but often times I'm too shy or apathetic to try new things on my own. In particular, I'd like to be more active. Someone who works out from time to time might be able to show me the ropes (I stress from time to time; I'm not looking for a muscle bunny). Or I may find someone who enjoys cycling or maybe even badminton — a sport I enjoy but haven't played in years.
I'd also like to travel more, but it's not something I'd enjoy doing on my own. Add some romance, however, and I'd absolutely love it.
- I would enjoy cooking meals for someone.
Someone once told me that the key to keeping a man is to keep his stomach full and his balls empty. I enjoy cooking and baking, but I haven't done it much the last couple years, excepting the occasional carrot cake. It's hard to justify making a nice meal for one person, and I have simple tastes, so I'm usually happy with my chicken fingers and fries. Unfortunately, convenience foods are not particularly healthy. Having someone to cook for would satisfy my desire to do things for people (I love helping people — just running errands for them or whatever) and be beneficial for my health.
- I need motivation to maintain the appearance of my surroundings and myself.
My apartment (particularly my end of it) is quite messy, as I've lamented before. In fact, I think I'd be somewhat embarrassed to show my room to a potential love interest. It's not exactly representative of who I am. I think I am a neat freak at heart — I've just fallen by the wayside a bit lately.
I'd also enjoy having someone to look pretty for. I don't neglect my personal hygiene or grooming, but despite a recent shopping spree, my wardrobe is fairly stagnant and limited. (If you've known me for a couple months, chances are you've seen me wear all of my favourite items at least once.) Of course, I don't want to date a snob who is going to judge me by the labels on my clothes, but a guy with a bit of fashion sense could really help me out with my wardrobe.
- I need a date for school functions and weddings.
That one is pretty self-explanatory. I hate attending functions where I don't know many people. I'm not social enough to initiate conversation with people, unless I've had quite a bit to drink. Even so, small talk often bores me. Oh, someone to waltz with in the kitchen would also be nice.
As much as I want a boyfriend, it may not be appropriate for where I am in my life. For one thing, I seem to want one so desperately that it could be a huge turn off (although that doesn't seem to be the case — more on that in a bit). I haven't been very happy lately. People often say that a relationship is not the solution, but I think that's at least partially bullshit. It's something people say so that single people don't feel so bad. With that said, I do feel that I could be a happier single person than I am. I don't feel incomplete, but I do feel that I will not be my happiest until I have someone to share my life with.
Something that has been on my mind lately is rejection. I have been very fortunate in that area. I think I've only been seriously rejected three times. The first time was by the person I lost my virginity to. It was easy to chalk it up to distance though, as he lived in Halifax and I lived in Charlottetown. So it didn't hurt me all that much. The second time I felt rejected was frustrating, but I don't think I was ever in love with the person, so it wasn't at all devastating. The third time was by far the worst, but in this case, we both rejected each other numerous times, on several different levels and in various capacities. So I'm not sure it really counts.
Lately, I have been rejected several times, but only in that I express interest in someone, and they do not express any interest in return. It never seems to happen that someone expresses interest in me, gets to know me a bit, and then loses interest. Actually, I hadn't had a crush of any sort in ages until recently. Unfortunately I became infatuated with a guy I'd met online — but before I ever met him in person. Since then I ran into him at a bar, and though he seemed like a nice fellow, he didn't quite match my mental impression of him, so the crush has waned somewhat.
On the other hand, I feel like I'm rejecting boys all the time. Most often I am simply not interested in them at all, but sometimes I think I am interested but then lose interest after I get to know them a bit. Rejecting people is a very difficult thing to do. Now, I know I shouldn't complain about this, because despite my limited experience, I know that being rejected is far worse. I also realize that I'm lucky to be presented with so many opportunities. But I'm starting to wonder if something is wrong with me. I mean, if I want a boyfriend so badly, shouldn't I be getting desperate by now?
My friend Erik had an interesting thing to say on the matter. He says that because I have had a serious relationship in the past and I know what it's like, I want to be at that point with someone new immediately, and hence I don't give new relationships enough of a chance. I think this might be partially true. I do look for instant or near-instant chemistry with guys, because in the past it has been my experience that I always click really well with guys that I like right from the beginning. So really, I may be doing these boys a favour by dumping them sooner rather than later. If you're not sure if you like someone, what are the chances that you actually do? I think every boy deserves to have someone who is crazy about him, and not just someone who settled for him.
So what is the moral of the story? Well, for one thing, I'm going to start believing what my friends tell me. Boys like me, and I will eventually find one that I am fond of in return. I'm going to relax; I'm not going to worry that I'm getting old and that I need to settle down with "the one." Nevertheless, I'm not going to terminate my search. My friend Alex once said, "You won't find love if you don't go looking for it," and I truly believe that he is right.
